SASHES AND TIARAS.....Miss Universe 2013 EVENING GOWN Portraits Review Part Two: The "Oh No She Didn't/Ayyy Mija's!" Group!

The "Real Housewives of Miss Universe 2013":


Miss Bulgaria Veneta Kresteva: Oh huney! One wrong look from Veneta in this gown and she might cut you...with some sequins! While I get the stage impact of this navy and silver completely beaded gown, I just think she looks more as if she was hosting the "Eurovision" Contest. And yes, in this, she looks like a "Real Housewife of Beverly Hills" who already has had two husbands and four kids and is heading to a party in Palms Casino Las Vegas...via private plane.






Miss Estonia Kristina Karjalainen (left): This royal blue gown looks so dated and soooo POLYESTER-y, I just cannot fathom why she chose this or who made her choose it and how she felt this was "Miss Universe" material. Kristina totally looks like a cast member of the "Real Housewives of Orange County" in this.

Miss Netherlands Stephanie Tency (right): This ivory beaded gown is a nice gown, but again, very dated and just screams 1996 wedding guest at the Beverly Hills Hotel. Her too-bleached hair and pouf-ed up style doesn't help either. Another cast member of the "Real Housewives" series yet again.


Miss Russia Elmira Abdrazakova: I'm sure Elmira is a lovely woman but this entire look is straight out of "The Shah's of Sunset". The black dress with silver crystal waist and sleeve hem accents plus those stripper platform pumps poking out...it's just too tacky-licious. And then, THAT hair! This is the girl your Mom and Dad warned you (at the last Bar Mitzvah you were at) to stay far, far away from because nothing good is going to come out of it.




Miss Slovenia Nina Burdevic: Nina chose this printed gown in what could best be described as a "puke-y" color combination; it hurts my eyes just looking at it. I think that possibly on an olive-skinned contestant, I might like it more, but on Nina, it looks a little "Real Housewives of Slovenia".



The Pageant Betty's:


Miss China Jin Ye (left): Let's start from the top: the bouffant, the diamante earrings and necklace (too mucheyy!) and if that wasn't enough, let's just throw in a bracelet as well. Edit. Edit. Edit girls when it comes to accessories. And then there's the strapless mermaid shaped gown with organza rosettes. The entire package is Pageant Betty not red carpet/Miss Universe fab.

Miss Ethiopia Maheder Tigabe (right): Ahhh, bless her heart. The reason why beautiful Maheder is here is again, the entire package. Her hair is sooo Pageant Betty 1998, the dress looks like it is from a Prom-&-Pageant shop; it looks cheap, and it is waaaay too short--about 8 inches in fact. I know some of these contestants don't have the options (or money) of the Top Girls, but good styling and the proper gown length could, at the very least, make it acceptable.



The Slit Queens:


While I love me a slit and some gowns can do slits very well, some cannot. And these are two examples of the latter--and especially when you combine it with the total unfortunate look:

Miss Honduras Diana Schoutsen (left): No, no and no. From the hair style (so Prom-&Pageant 90's), the big ol' earrings to the tacky silver stacked pumps, the entire look is so dated. The dress itself doesn't do Diana any favors; it looks cheap and typical and yes, the slit just takes it over the edge. It all needs editing.

Miss Italy Luna Voce (right): Luna won the "Top Model of The World" pageant (according to Wikipedia) but I would never, ever know this from looking at this garish choice of a gown that naturally, has to have a slit. This is more appropriate for a Vegas nightclub act before she strips down to a almost-nothing sequined bikini top and thong. Seriously.



Sheer Mess:


Miss Azerbaijan Aysel Manafova: Ayyy Mija! Where are you going in this concoction? Oversized jeweled strapless bustier attached to black panties and a see-through chiffon overskirt. While I applaud the sheer tenacity to "Just Go For It" by wearing this ensemble, I think the taste level is questionable and maybe three more layers of that black chiffon would have helped.




Miss Nicaragua Nastassja Bolivar: This is a confusing gown for me. It has heavily sequined applique on the sides, top, sleeves and then panels of royal blue chiffon godets in the front and the back for some reason. I can just hear fashion designer--and former "Project Runway" judge--Michael Kors now: "She's POOPING Chiffon!". And then, the lining: it stops just where her bootie ends. Why? Who knows. She's like a belly dancer about to perform a dance to Ravel's "Bolero" in a questionable Moroccan nightclub.




Miss Angola Vaumara Rebelo (left): I think the gold lace sequin applique in this gown is interesting but I'm confused why all of a sudden there's blue in the wrists and once again--like on "Miss Nicaragua", the lining awkwardly stops way too close to her cha-cha.

Miss Aruba Stefanie Guillen Evangelista (right): Oh no. Unless she is figure skating to Rimsky-Korsakov's "Scheherazade", this gown is unacceptable. It's trashy, cheap-looking and badly designed.



Cha Cha Girls:


Miss Paraguay Guadalupe Gonzalez Talavera: This gown--featuring a nude-colored strapless bustier with black crystal applique--and black satin and tulle full skirt is two minutes away from a Folies Bergère show that got cancelled. The gown looks as if it was attacked by a cheap fabric store in Downtown L.A. Cha-Cha Not.





Miss Nigeria Stephanie Okwu: God bless Stephanie for even thinking that this was cute. She either asked an actual fashion designer--or saw this on a rack and said "Yep! I'll take it!". This Halloween-orange mermaid ruffle iridescent POLYESTER mess of a gown is THE definition of Bad Cha-Cha. This is a dress one wears at the Rio de Janeiro Carnival on a float...if you're a fabulous Drag Queen. Otherwise, not so much.




Miss Romania Roxana Andrei: This "interesting" design combines both Cha-Cha aspects as well as semi-Asian influences. There's the oversized blouson bishop sleeves and high slit (Cha-Cha) and then the red printed applique satin fabrication (a little more "Asiana"). Irregardless, the entire look is more of a "Dancing With The Stars" Hostess...in Macau.



The "Underwhelming Gown Prize" Goes To:



Miss Norway Mari Ekelof: Mari, Please...I want you to just try!! In this "Evening Gown Portrait", you're not even trying! A) You look as bored as a web-searching twenty-something at their local Starbucks. And B) this slate blue chiffon maxi-dress is not what one chooses to feature on their "Miss Universe Evening Gown" portrait. It's a nice dress to bring to your Cancun vacation--and wear for after-pool cocktails-and-dinner night--but not to this.



The "At-a-Girl/Oh No You Didn't" Prize Goes To:



Miss Haiti Mondiana Pierre: I have two words: Go Mondiana! First, I love how she incorporated some of the Haitian flag colors into her gown...as FEATHERS that trickled down from her gold embroidered Empire-waisted dress. It's half National Costume/half evening gown (a very small half!). She's sooo GORGEOUS, but the dress is definitely "Ayyy Mija!/No She Didn't!".



Finally, the "Please Go Back To The Tony Ward Couture Show Look":


Miss Poland Paulina Krupisnka: I don't necessarily dislike this evening gown on "Miss Poland" Paulina Krupinska so much; yes, it's a bit tacky and cheap-looking (and yes, the color combination is a bit garish) but it's OK. It's the fact that she looks so underwhelming and not "Miss Universe" material in this entire look--from the 1990's side swept hairstyle to the pose, to the earrings and shoes. It's a FAR CRY from what she looked like last week modeling in the Tony Ward Couture runway show at the Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week Russia: